MAJOR EARTHQUAKE ROCKS ESSEX!

A major earthquake measuring 5 8 on the Richter scale hit in the early hours
of Thursday 22nd April 2004. Epicentre: Basildon, Essex.
Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly muttering "fackin' 'ell".



The earthquake decimated the area causing approximately £30.25 worth of
damage. Several priceless collections of mementos from the Balearics and
Spanish Costas were damaged beyond repair. Three areas of historic burnt out
cars were disturbed. Many locals were woken well before their giro arrived.


Essex FM News (County Radio Station) reported that hundreds of residents
were confused and bewildered, still trying to come to terms with the fact
that something interesting had happened in Basildon.

One resident - Tracy Sharon Smith, a 17-year-old mother of 5 said "It was
such a shock, my little Chardonnay Mercedes came running into my bedroom
crying. My youngest two, Tyler-Morgan and Megan-Storm slept through it all.
I was still shaking when I was watching Trisha at lunchtime."

Apparently though, looting, muggings and car crime are carrying on as
normal.

The British Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of Sunny
Delight to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers are still
searching through the rubble and have found large quantities of
personal belongings, which include benefit books, jewellery from Elizabeth
Duke at Argos and Bone China from Poundland.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?
This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing, parcels for those
unfortunate to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most sought
after,items most needed include: Fila or Burberry baseball caps, Kappa
tracksuit tops (his and hers), Shell suits (female), White sport socks
and Rockport boots. Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed
all the same. Required foodstuffs include Microwave meals, tins of baked
beans, ice cream and cans of Colt 45 or Special Brew. 22p buys a biro for
filling in the compensation forms, £2.00 buys chips, crisps and blue fizzy
drinks for a family of 9, £5.00 will pay for a packet of B & H and a lighter
to calm the nerves of those affected.

**BREAKING NEWS**
Rescue workers found a girl in the rubble smothered in blood - 'Where are
you bleeding from?' they asked- 'ROMFORD' said the girl 'Woss it gotta do
wiv you?