Well bored at work so thought i'd post some jokes! I apologise if these cause offence to anyone.



This one is for everyone who ..

a) has kids,
b) had kids,
c) was a kid,
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them.
He went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. I said, "What's wrong, honey?" She replied, "What happened to my bogey ?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner,"You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional."Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months."
This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's"
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar. Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes. The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, ..
"No Father, I think it's just the reflection off her shoes".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Man says to wife 'I had a wet dream about you last night,
I dreamt you got run over by a bus and I annoyed myself laughing'.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman asked her hubby if he knew how she could make her bust bigger.
He said 'try rubbing toilet paper between your breasts it's worked for your arse'.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I was driving down the M1 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a police officer on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

He pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk, asked: "Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The officer was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."

Then the officer asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Speeding ticket: £105.00

Court costs: £45

Look on copper's face: Priceless

See i haven't just been mocking men all day!

Blimey, you must have been really bored at work to post all these jokes!

Some good ones there.

, very good.