Feel free to add to keep me sane at work!!!


Little Johnny catches his parents going at it. He yells in, "Hey, Pop! What are you doin'?" His father says, "Son, I'm filling your mother's tank." Johnny says, "Oh, yeah? Well, you better get a model that gets better mileage. The postman filled her this morning."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realises that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look short!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep. After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend. The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room. As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?" "Well," says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law

very good sent them around the office lol

i Always get emailed jokes and pics and im surprised they make it through our filter!!!



There is a factory in America which makes the "Tickle Me Elmo" toys.

The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arm.

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory, and she reports for her first day promptly at 0800.

The next day at 0845 there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to

Rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow, and The whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule.

The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the

Two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo's all over the factory floor and they're really beginning to pile up.

At the end of the line stands the new employee surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmos.

She has a roll of plush red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles.

The two men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric,

Wraps it around two marbles and begins to carefully sew the little package Between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter.

After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.

"I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "but

I think you misunderstood the instructions I gave you yesterday.

Your job Is to give Elmo two test tickles"

why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the
batteries are flat?

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know
there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion
stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you
throw a revolver at him?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

Are there specially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at
the Special Olympics?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others
doing here?

If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is
it a hostage situation

Do you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered
assassinated instead of just murdered?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would
be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake
up like every two hours?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in
binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see
you naked anyway

A man decided to write a book about churches around England.
He started by taking the train to Canterbury and started working north
to zigzag across the country from there. He went to Canterbury
Cathedral and began taking pictures.

He spotted a golden telephone on a wall and was intrigued by a sign
that read: "£10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Archbishop he asked
about the phone and the sign. The Bish answered that this golden phone
was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he were to pay the price
he could talk directly to God. He thanked the Bish and continued on
his way.

Visiting churches in London, Bristol, Birmingham, Norwich, Nottingham,
Derby , Leicester, Manchester, Newcastle and other places, he found
more phones with the same sign. From each vicar he received the same
answer.

Finally, he arrived in Yorkshire. Upon entering a church, lo and
behold, he saw the usual golden telephone, but this time the sign
read: "Calls: 35 pence per minute."

Fascinated, he asked of the vicar, "Reverend, I have been in cities
all across the country and in each church I have found this very same
golden telephone, and I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven,
and that I could talk to God. However, in the other churches, the cost
was £10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35p per call. Why is that?"

The vicar, smiling benignly, replied: "Lad, you're in Yorkshire now.
It's a local call.

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six
days.
Eventually, Michael the archangel found him on the seventh day resting.
He enquired of god, "Where have you been?"
God pointed downwards through the clouds. "Look Michael, look what I've
made" said God.
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"
"Its a planet," replied God," and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call
it Earth and its going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused. God explained, pointing
down to different parts of the Earth, "For example, North America will be a place of
great opportunity and wealth while South America is going to be poor;
the Middle East over there will be a hot spot and Russia will be a cold
spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a
continent of black people." God continued, pointing to the different
countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will
be very cold and covered in ice." The Archangel, impressed by God's work,
then pointed to another area of land and asked, "What's that?"
"Ah," said God. "That's the north of England, the most glorious place on
earth. There are beautiful people, seven great cities in Yorkshire
alone,and many impressive towns, it is the home of the world's finest artists,
musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from
North England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and
they're going to be found traveling the world. They'll be extremely sociable,
hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the
world as speakers of truth."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about
balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!"
God replied very wisely, "Wait till you see the set of w*nkers I'm
putting down South