Quantas

> After every flight, Quantas Airline pilots fill out a form, called a
> "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The
> mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
> and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
>
> Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are

> some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Quantas' pilots and
> the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.
> By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never had an
> accident.
>
> P = the problem logged by the pilot.
> S = the solution and action taken by mechanics.
>
> P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
> S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
>
> P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
> S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
>
> P: Something loose in cockpit.
> S: Something tightened in cockpit.
>
> P: Dead bugs on windshield.
> S: Live bugs on back-order.
>
> P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
descent.
> S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
>
> P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
> S: Evidence removed.
>
> P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
> S: DME volume set to more believable level.
>
> P: Friction locks, cause throttle levers to stick.
> S: That's what they're for.
>
> P: IFF inoperative.
> S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
>
> P: Suspected crack in windshield.
> S: Suspect you're right.
>
> P: Number 3 engine missing.
> S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
>
> P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
> S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
>
> P: Target radar hums.
> S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
>
> P: Mouse in cockpit. (This one's great, too!)
> S: Cat installed.
>
> P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget
pounding
> on something with a hammer.
> S: Took hammer away from midget.
>